Assalamu'alaikum.
I'm back home...and I'm really mentally tired. I guess I won't be writing much now because I'm experiencing brainfreeze right now...which is a condition that affects my well being.
Hrmm, about this new semester, all I can say is that there are lots of new stuff that I need to face. The subjects are getting tougher and I really need to consistently struggling and revising in order to keep my pointer steady(and insyaAllah, increase it) until I graduate. I can no more play around this semester as I have lots at stake right now.
These are the subjects that I am taking in this current semester:
-CALCULUS I
-OBJECT ORIENTED PROGRAMMING II
-OPERATING SYSTEM CONCEPTS
-PRINCIPLES OF ECONOMICS
-ENGLISH FOR ACADEMIC PURPOSES
-SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY IN ISLAM
-RECREATION I
As for the subjects, Calculus is the real killer here. 4 credit hours and if I get bad grades for it in this sem, it will seriously hurt my pointer. In the past semesters I kinda neglected my math a bit...so this sem it looks like no play-play for me. And as for the others, for me is quite ok, even though they're not easy, it is interesting to study them, especially Economics.
You see, in the last semester, my ambition changed and I have become business-minded. Previously, I wanted to be a computer expert, but now, I really want to be a successful entrepreneur. Luckily, my course provides the path on entrepreneurship when I continue on my degree later. So, I'm quite interested in the economic subject I'm taking this semester. It's an irony actually, because some my friends don't really like the subject. Haha.
But, I'm really tired in this first week and I get drowsy easily. Maybe because of the pressure...
I still can't validate my courses in UiTM's student portal. *sigh*
I think that's all, I don't know what to type anymore.
Ja ne~
Salam 'alaik.
Yeah, the cuti sem is now almost coming to an end. Most of my peers out there are mostly, unhappy. Hahahaha. Unlike them, I'm very happy and excited that this long holiday is coming to an end. It's because, during this holiday, I was trapped inside many cages that myself don't have the strength to get out of. I suffered quite a lot and my heart bled for many times(not literally actually). Despite that, I learned a lot and I hope when I have my freedom when the new semester starts, I can put all of them to good use.
This holiday, have messed me up a bit. One of them is, I become stupidly lazy, just like after SPM. I returned back to my old self and became a nocturnal. And the effect can be seen on my face(don't worry, I have new products from HPA that I can rely on to fix my face, InsyaAllah my greasy face problem and my resdung can be rid once and for all. Perubatan Herba Jawi for the win!) I've become lazy and indulged in all-day gaming. Which is crazy... =.=
And going back to campus can distract me away from someone... =.= O God help me...
I haven't filled the Borang Permohonan Subsidi Makan on UiTM's eHEP site yet and that's because I don't know my BIMB account number. I thought my account number is the 16-digit number that is engraved on my ATM card, but it turned out not. I tried to input the 16 digit number, but failed, because the space on the form for my BIMB account only have the space for 14 digit number. Haha, I don't know the fact that I need to check my account number at the ATM. But I just created my BIMB bank account last Monday, so I never got the chance to know my account bank number(I was rushing that day because my father was rushing too, he have classes to teach). And I'm stuck at home in these two days with no transport at all. And I just realized the 14-digit number fact yesterday, so, I got no chance to go to an ATM.
Fortunately, alhamdulillah, my friend Aunzia and his cousin, Adiq have plans to go out this afternoon after Zuhr prayers. I haven't gone to a nice outing for a while. So this is my chance to go out and check my BIMB account number!
And yes, yesterday was my 18th birthday. I forgot to make a post for it as I was busy finishing Need For Speed: Carbon(finished it last night, yay!). And I'm a legal man in Malaysia now, as I have reached the legal age of 18. So, I have lots of new privileges now. I have control on my banking activity, I can start a business, join this and that...
Surprised that I'm 18 and not 19? Well, I'm the last batch of "melangkauwans". I skipped my fourth year in primary school and proceeded to 5th year because I passed the PTS test. And my batch is the last one that attended the test and then, Kementerian Pelajaran abolished the test(I don't know why).
Some of my friends said that I'm too mature for my age. They said my thinking capabilities are not what the young man of my age have and the way I dress makes me look like a matured person. And my face looks quite "old"(or matured). But in reality, I'm still a young man inside me and I NEVER wanted to be old. I wanted to be young forever if have the chance. Being young is a blessing. I have my matured side, and I have my childish side. It's up to me to express which side and I've been expressing my matured side far too much.
Well, anyway, happy (belated) 18th birthday to Haji Muhammad Ridhwan. May Allah bless you always. ^_^
*gosh, it's weird talking to your own self, haha XD*
Maybe that's all for now. I'm still too lazy to write something beneficial. May the new semester cure me from my laziness. Amin.
I read something just now, it touched my heart and it made my tears flow for a moment.
I think you should read it too.
Thanks Azreen for posting it!
Aii..aku x tau ape la yg dh jadi kat aku skrang..
*Why I suddenly use Semenanjungite dialect?*
Aaa, ku rasa malas gilak mok naep benda ya eh. Men game agik la best.
And the consequence? Blog ini kembali bersawang. I really need to get back on track. Gaming-gaming jwak, tapi kenak balance la..
About my gaming, I've been playing Pro Evolution Soccer 2009 and Spore. My created football club in the game, Haji United, is now reaching the end of it's 2nd season of career, with 100% win ratio. Hehe, I never lost a match in the second season, making my FC the top amongst all of the other FCs. And throughout the game, I developed a strong dislike for Manchester United(no offense MU fans). They're just too difficult to beat. I remember playing a match over and over again a few times just to beat MU. I think the game is biased...*sigh*
As for Spore, I've colonized tons of star systems in the galaxy. Created new species several times. I've finished the game many times, but I still play it because of its addictive nature. The game bores me to death. But I still play it. Blame Will Wright for that.
And now, I started to install and play Fahrenheit. I discovered the game in my PC which I got last year. The gameplay is interesting. It's like a movie. In the game you decide the outcome of the ending. Yes, the game is non-linear, which basically means that you can decide how the story goes. And I hope I will not get addicted!
WARNING: Gaming can be a poison to your brain and can turn you into a zombie or a nocturnal.
*after gaming, there comes the dramas from Japan and Korea, and then movies from the West. Distraction never ends... =.= *
Alhamdulillah the new semester will start soon. I need to abandon my gaming PC and start a new intellectual lifestyle. I must maintain my position in the dean's list and grab that ANC(something equivalent to the Cum Laude-s award you get when you graduate).
Also, many of my peers are now continuing their studies in universities, colleges and high education institutes. I wish all of you good luck and may Allah bless all of you in your studies. Take care in Shah Alam, Johor, Sabah and wherever all of you are.
"If your intention of studying is solely for the sake Allah and for Islam, I'm sure you'll do excellently and achieve the success that you always dreamed."
-a reminder from me ^_^
P.S: Saya ingin menambah sesuatu disini. Kepada insan-insan yang bergelar sahabat, saya ingin memohon maaf jika saya telah mendiamkan diri dalam beberapa minggu ini. Bukan niat saya ingin memulaukan kalian, saya cuma tidak tahu apa yang patut saya katakan kepada kalian. Saya telah menghadapi banyak dugaan dan tekanan dalam beberapa minggu ini dan I need the time alone, untuk pulih. InsyaAllah, di masa yang terdekat saya akan menghubungi kalian.
Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
Perhaps, I've been too offensive in my previous post. After thinking for a while, I could present it in a more polite manner.
"terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kata buruk padahnya"
From the deepest depth of my heart, I seek forgiveness again, to those I may offend. I never truly intend to hurt anyone, I just want to remind. My ways were truly deviated from the straight path. And I apologize again to a certain people, for becoming a truly annoying person. I wouldn't bother all of you anymore. If I may happen to start annoying all of you again, please, remind me...
Hontouni, gomennasai...
I'm a stupid creature of Allah, I still have lots of weaknesses inside me. But I wouldn't use this statement as an excuse to run away from my quest of improving myself.
P.S: Thank you for waking me up. Took me a while to figure it out.
Salam 'alaik.
I don't know why, but I feel very sinful tonight/this morning. Something may just struck me. I know, I sinned a lot, but tonight I feel the magnitude of that sin, increases dramatically.
It's just something stabbed the very tender core of my heart, penetrating the ice that protects it. But I stayed content, adapting the noble philosophy of 'husnuszhan'. O Lord, have mercy on me...
I've been sinful. I've been sinful. I've been sinful. My heart cries for mercy. But my tears never dropped tonight. My tears are expensive, they're not cheap. I'm cold. I felt nothing when my grandfather died. I seldom felt care for my parents. I didn't care for my friends. The only thing that makes them cheap that I force myself to cry, most of the times. I cry to wash away my old cold self, I want to melt the ice that surrounds my heart. I don't want to be left alone. I don't want people to view me as a bad person, just because I showed my cold alter ego.
I'm a good person deep down. The ice needs to be...removed from existence.
To someone that I greatly bothered in the past, thank you for changing my point of view. You have melted my ice, you uncovered my real self. You made me realize, you made me realize, you made me realize. You truly have a big, warm heart. I think that is why I greatly bothered you with my extreme niceness, because I was totally drawn to you. Yes, I know that you're not perfect, you have lots of shortcomings, but that didn't stop me from being drawn to you. I know, deep down, you're very nice. Yes, because I experienced that niceness of you. I even questioned fate why things happen badly between us. I guess it's my own fault, because that feeling...was overflowing like Niagara Falls. I have no power to stop it. I may be obsessed with you, because I can't forget that big deed of you. I wouldn't changed into my self right now if it wasn't for you. I know, I have these inside me before I got to know you. But you excavated it all and became the final step to uncover my real self. Hell, I can get someone that is more beautiful and more sexier than you. But you know, my nafsu was blind and I was seeing with the eyes of my heart. My heart for God's sake! I dramatically changed. Why should I waste lots of money for someone that didn't care for me? My old self would laughed at me. But I didn't care. I changed. The hell with nafsu, the heart rules. Damn the stupid mentality of men. I hate it. And I H.A.T.E. you. And that's an abbreviation of something. Yes, I copied it from somewhere. Yes, I dreamed of a perfect Islamic family with you. I dreamed of a family that is 100% faithful to Allah and that family will contribute to the new Islamic Renaissance in this modern age, which the children will be good servants of Allah, free from the plague that infects every inch of the society this day and damn all hedonism to hell. The children will change the world, they will be great scholars, great leaders that will bring back Islam to glory. And I dreamed of obtaining the Pleasure of Allah with you. Yes, I dreamed all of that, with you at my side. Because I did care for you. I've been to the Haramain, and I was inspired there. Yes, I've been cruel and said that you greatly changed and viewed you as someone that is dark and sinful. But my statements that I placed in your 'little white box', I regretted placing them there, because you still have your faith standing strongly inside you. And I'm glad for that, even though you still indulge in lagha things, like all of us, and like me as well. I know, you've said that I'm prominently religious. That's all total friggin' bullshit, because I'm still like everyone else. I'm a sinner like you also. God has bestowed His knowledge in me. He gave me enlightenment, but I didn't use it, I didn't practice it in my daily life. Like an article I've read during the Jumaat prayera in UiTM Samarahan's mosque, it said, that we have the knowledge, but we didn't practice it. We only practice like roughly 10% of it. We are so sinful. Alhamdulillah we are not damned, God still gives the chance to repent to him. But every time when I said astaghfirullah when I finished praying, I feel I'm lying to God, because I'm still strayed away and follow the stupidities that we all follow. I don't really follow the Sunnah, just a bit of it. I know, if Rasulullah shallallahu 'alaihi wasallam is still alive today, he would cry seeing my despicable state, and our despicable state. I think he would beat me for my stupidity. Regarding you, I do not know. But I'm thankful that you're still holding to our faith and not to totally abandon it like many poor souls out there. And I'm thankful that I'm still holding to our faith as well, despite my shortcomings. I just hope that Allah will bestow His hidayah to us, so that we will return back to the straight path, and to become 'part time Muslims'. I don't know. Only time could tell. And by telling all of that, I did want to bring you back to the straight path. I had planned that I would jettison all of my stupidity if you will be at my side. I don't know, this obsession have lots of connections to my faith, right after I came back from Makkah last year. I don't know. I'm confused. That's why maybe I gave you that book. I viewed that book is much more valuable than that gold ring I gave you. If I am given the chance, I may wanted to buy lots of books that are beneficial to all of us. And I had loved you, to that very extent. That's why maybe I H.A.T.E. you. And my statement...was totally wrong. If Allah wills it, it doesn't have to take another very pious woman to be with me. Everyone have the same potential, even you. You could become like our beloved Ummul Mu'mineen, Sayyidatina 'Aisyah bt. Sayyidina Abu Bakr even if you like what you are now at present. You have her name and it's not impossible for you to become like her. Nothing is impossible for Allah. You could change dramatically with His guidance, even if what are inside you right now says otherwise. You've said that you've been keeping all of it when you're still in secondary school, but that doesn't make those are really you. Because fitrah is something pure and noble. Deep down, you're something else, not the thing that resided inside you that you've mentioned. And I want to add something; You may change the world with someone else, or maybe with me, as myself had strongly wished before. Remember your statement long-long time ago? You said that you will change the world. It's possible! And now, I do not know about the future. I have wished that I will have a wife with the qualities I wanted. And I admit that I strongly wished that the person will be you, like I had wished before, because you're the person that I had wanted to be with forever. But, only Allah knows what will happen in the future. If you're destined for me, I will be thankful, if not, I will be thankful, because Allah have someone better for me. And if the latter happens, I wish that my extreme feelings for you will be transferred to that person, because she deserved it more than you. Alas, I end this piece by asking guidance and mercy from Allah.
That is what had been in my heart all this time. Now, I typed all of it so that person may finally understand my point of view. I apologize for swearing in that composition. I have abandoned swearing long ago, because I know it's bad and worthless. I've stopped using 'damn', 's**t', the 'f'-word and the 'k'-word and various other foreign swearwords. Maybe I was using it because of...I'm not sure of what the reason is. But I'm thankful I've changed now.
I hope all of you can understand my point of view. This is one of the other reason that I went over the limit, besides the reasons of being lonely and needs that someone special to give me support. But this piece stresses more about her. I'm not that emotional or sentimental tonight. I'm serious at the time I composed this and listened more to my mind rather than my heart.
Before I end this, I have a question. Do you think I'm a bit matured when you read this post? Or am I being immature again? Crying and dreaming over things that is never real? I look forward to long comments, thank you.
Salam 'alaik.
Alhamdulillah, I'm back at home, intact and breathing. It was another interesting journey for me. Though it's not a perfect journey, it was still exciting. I got to meet new people, made new friendships and acquaintances, and learned something new. I have to admit I was not 100% happy during the trip, as I was down and depressed sometime during the trip. But I was happy also though, as I counted my blessings.
But let's not deviate too early in this post.
I was supposed to be at Kuching last Saturday, which was on 13th of June. On 12th of June, our flight was supposed to be around 3 am Saudi time, but they we queued up like about an hour since our initial boarding call. We queued, but the order to board a coaster-like vehicle(which supposed to take us to our plane, King Abdul Azeez Airport is quite huge actually) never came. And we waited until Subh prayers, which is around 4 am there(really early during this time of the year), we never got onboard our plane. And we stayed at Jeddah until 14th of June, which was on Sunday where we departed. The Royal Brunei aircraft has problems with it's technicalities and it took 3 days for them to finish repairing it. Many of us have started complaining about the long delay and were about to go to the embassies to ask for a solution. Really, our delay was among the longest in aviation history. Even AirAsia didn't delay their flights that long. I feel a bit poor for the Bruneians. Their airline service is exceptional and I really liked flying with the Royal Brunei Airlines. Too bad their aircraft arsenal is quite limited and it's hard for them to get replacement aircraft(unlike other airlines). I think they suffered quite a huge loss this time paying for all our accomodation, food and all the things to 'jaga hati' us.
And our story made it to the front page:

We flew back to Bandar Seri Begawan on Sunday and arrived there on Monday. But we didn't go directly back to Kuching that day, as there were no connecting flights to Kuching available on that day(and due to the limited capabilities of Royal Brunei Airlines). So, we were sent to a 4 star transit hotel situated in the middle of a residential area(it's weird to see an 8 or 10 storey building in the middle of a so-called kampong or taman, heh). And we were given a free tour around Brunei that day(yay! Brunei is quite beautiful you see ^-^).
And our long waited flight to Kuching was yesterday, 16th of June. And surprisingly, the flight was delayed also, for a few hours. There was a problem with the plane, again. Alhamdulillah, there was a Bruneian plane from somewhere oversea came to the rescue and they changed our plane. If not, tambah semalam gik kat Brunei. Haha.
But it's also a blessing for us of course. Allah doubled His blessings to us. We all like paid plus-minus RM5800 for the Umrah trip. But with the delay, it's like we paid RM10000 for all of it. And it's FREE! All I can say is, alhamdulillah. Too bad I can't go shopping in Jeddah, as I was preserving my funds for something else in Malaysia. Branded stuff there are quite cheaper than Malaysia. I'm quite jealous of Farid and his new sweater. His older sisters bought new sandals and handbags there as well.
But it doesn't matter. I too 'shopped' a lot, spiritually, in Makkah as well. Praying directly in front of Kaabah is really exciting(I have found the trick to join the most front saf during congregrational prayers, hehe). I saw the Grand Imam of Masjidil Haram many times, up close. The closest I can get is the third saf behind the imam. Alhamdulillah.
And here's an update on me:

Yes, I'm bald. Hehehe. It's refreshing to be bald actually. It's easy to pray as I don't have to worry about any hair meddling with my forehead. Last year, I didn't want to go bald, as I want to 'preserve' my hair. But now I decided that it was no use to keep my old damaged hair on my scalp. So, after performing sa'ie(which is the last ritual before escaping the restrictions of the Ihram), I went straight to the barber and told the Pakistani guy to shave my hair for the Tahallul. Now I look forward to a new healthy hair. Hehe. Right now, I look like Mawi as my hair grows quickly(about half a cm a day, boy that's fast).
Actually, I have more to tell, but I can't fit all of them here. I think that's enough for now. Haha, I always have the habit to tell every inch of my experiences. I have a pinch of Mr. Perfectionist inside me. But I don't have all the time in the world to go to every detail really.
Also, here's my result for the last semester examination:
Yup, alhamdulillah. I have become budak dekan again and I shall look forward to some dinner in some fine hotel in Kuching. But to be frank, I think I don't deserve it as in the last semester, I'm a great slacker. Blaja pun last minute. I can only thank Allah for preserving me. The Lord has been too merciful on me. And I feel guilty when I think again of the results. My efforts doesn't match the results I have in my hand right now. The only thing that I can do next semester is, to be serious in my studies. That's what I can do to express my thankfulness to our Lord. Saying alhamdulillah many times but take no action to prove that thankfulness is quite stupid and worthless to me. And it's plagueing our society these days.
Haha, I've been pragmatic lately. Down to earth they say.
Alright, I'll write about the journey later. So much drama and emotions. About me of course.
Regarding this blog
I created this blog for the sake of myself and others that bothers to know more about me. A person can understand me better when they read this blog.
I generally post in English, but sometimes I will post in Bahasa Melayu Sarawak and Bahasa Malaysia. It all depends on my mood.
Also, don't view me as a saint when you know that I am a hajee, as I'm still a commoner like everybody else. That title does not make me different from everyone else. Look at this blog, I'm not perfect. I guess it's safe for me to declare myself as a 'grey'. So, just treat me as a normal person.
Thank you for your attention.
Me?

I am known as Muhammad Ridhwan bin Ehwan. I am a Muslim and I am very-very, very, proud of it. I'm a pure Sarawakian. I currently live in the city of Kuching and the town of Samarahan as I am now a Diploma in Computer Science student in UiTM Samarahan. I'm just a normal fellow with big dreams and expect to do a lot in the future. I have performed the Hajj twice and Umrah once in my life until now. In real life, I'm a quiet person and this blog is one of my main methods to express my thoughts and my emotions.
My blogging style is quite limited, as you can read and see here in my blog. Bak kata sesetengah orang, "skema". But I am unpredictable, so expect a few inconsistencies.
Arigatou ne, for your attention, again.
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