The Net of Thoughts

I was too focused on myself that I do not understand the feelings of others, especially both of you.

I'm terribly sorry, I surrender.

I admit that I am egocentric. I do not understand how you girls feel. I see the world through my own feelings and does not try to feel what all of you feel. Sometimes I gave advice on not to become like that but in the end, I am no different but the same. Also, I sometimes I feel that by giving everything that I have to the one I love, I eliminate my selfishness. But I know that is wrong. Love is abstract. It is not as simple as that. I'm still selfish. I do not care what that person felt.

I am not sure how you had become the best thing that had happened in my life. But I think it was because of my lack of exposure to people. It's tough to become the only child in the family and think differently from the family. My actions are limited and I was mostly confined in my own home. I wished to be a part of your family. My heart melted when I saw your little brother, I looked at him as my own.

I was jealous even though I am blessed with multitudes of blessings. I felt that all I have are worthless.

In my life, I never have problems with food, money, entertainment, comfort. But, all of that are material-related. I guess my heart hungered for love. I guess my parents mostly show their love through giving me my material needs. They tried by heart, but I guess they failed. They do not fully understand of what I am. I even hate it when my mother said "I understand". I feel that she faked it. I know she could have understood me. But I guess my heart is closed...until I can get it open again. For now, I guess I can't. It really hurts when I go back home. I have to return to my parents that do not understand me and I have to endure loneliness all over again.

At certain times, I somehow hate my parents for what I have become now. But I know it is very wrong. They have loved me from the very moment I was born. If not, how I can live comfortably until now? I must respect and love them. I cannot just ignore them. That is terribly wrong.

Look, I am blaming all of it on my parents. Truly, this is the evidence that I am egocentric.

All of that is not true of course. When I'm still a child, I do loved them. As I grow older, I guess I am exposed to different types of influences that made me separated from my parents. One of them are games-in other words video games. So, you can see the result of obsession with games in me.

That is why I hate those thingies. I starved my own heart with it. Consequently, I became heartless.

Then it all happened. I fell in love, my hormones experienced changes. Due to my heart starving for love, I become obsessed with the one I love. I cannot control the impulses and gone to the extremes. She became my only source of love.

"She's the only one for me!"

"I'll do everything for you!"

"My heart is yours!"

"I will never leave you!"

"I'll wait for you forever!"

"I will do my best to satisfy you!"

...and many more.

And I cannot let go when I am infected with this "disease". And I cannot moderate my feelings. I can forget about it but in the end, I will remember it again, then commit various acts that annoy my target.

I swear to Allah that when I finally have children, I will ensure that they receive enough love and attention so that they do not end up like me.

And that is about me. I write this to explain and hopefully, prevent any other man to behave the way that I did.

I still have a long way to go. Love is still a big mystery to me.

And I want to say...

I'm terribly sorry, I surrender.

Assalamu'alaikum.

I don't have much time to elaborate at the moment, but I guess I could tell a thing or two. Um, it's not about my feelings as the time is short. I want to talk a little bit boys/men.

Males are simple actually...they are not complex. As from my experiences, I have understood that men are simple creatures. They are not like women which is much more complicated and complex. Men are simple because they are mostly logical in nature.

But, some men can make themselves complex/become complex themselves as result of contact with women. Due to their curious nature, they seek to understand women. Sometimes, they become confused and somehow become more complex than women. I think it's maybe caused by their own misunderstanding of women and the mistakes they made.

As we all know, learning is a challenging process. When you learn something, you cannot escape from mistakes. From mistakes we all learn.

So, men are not weird actually. We are simple creatures. Just look past that made-up "complexity" and we are really-really easy to understand. It's true! I never made it up, because I am a man.

The reasons are very simple. For example, some are lonely and they become complex themselves because they wanted attention.


As for my personal feelings and what I have thought, I guess I won't tell about them here. I guess that I do not need proxies. I am quite a direct person now.

I guess that is all. I'm going back to UiTM soon enough. Catch you all later!


P.S.: ...

Assalamu'alaikum.

Kalo anda semua nak tau, saya ni dah ada lesen memandu. Saya ni dah pass ujian memandu yang menabeskan dan sangat boring tu(boring menunggu). Tapi masalah nye, saya ni jarang driving dan tu membuatkan saya ni tak biasa dengan memandu. Bila driving ja, mesti nabes dan tak biasa. Saya tau apa yang nak dibuat, tapi biasalah, kalo hati tak tenang, akal pun tak berjalan seperti biasa dan macam-macam mistakes yang saya buat. Clutch lepas cepat sangat la, lupa beri signal la...macam-macam.

Tapi petang hari ni, alhamdulillah. Saya dah rasa selesa dengan driving nih. Dah ada pengalaman memandu la katakan...hee. From mistakes we learn. Petang tadi saya bawak Waja, bersama-sama ibu yang tercinta pegi ambik filter air kat rumah Mak Long untuk mesin tapisan air Elken yang dah tak dapat berfungsi lagi dirumah dan untuk beli barang-barang HPA di HPA Centre di Jalan Gita Kuching. Saya rasa ringan sangat, sebab ni saya selalu bawak Exora yang beso dan berat, automatic transmission lagi tu. Waja yang saya bawak tu manual transmission, tapi senang pulak rasa bawak keta tu, memang pelik. Haha. Saya prefer manual than automatic...sebab melatih diri untuk lebih alert dan lebih cekap. Best rasa shifting gears...hehe. Exhilarating.

Terus terang saya cakap, saya dah dapat rasakan betapa senangnya bawak kereta, walaupun terdapat beberapa errors. Puas hati la...hehe.

Harap kali ni saya akan dapat Lesen Bapak dari ayah yang tercinta~

Lesen Kerajaan Malaysia belum memadai. -_-

Assalamu'alaikum.

Assalamu'alaikum.

After reading a few articles and watching some videos from different sources, I have to say that I have been enlightened. We are living in a real world fantasy. If you have been following the Matrix series, I think you should have known.

The ultimate truth is that we are here to serve Allah and to become His khalifah on this planet of ours.

But these days, we are living in a fantasy that have been fed to us since we are born, since we are little and we grow up with them.

Music, entertainment, console games, computer games, online games that make you grind and grind again, pornography, monosodium glutamate, social network websites like facebook, blind love that has no solid foundations to it, lust for power, lust for money, lust for sex, arrogance, sense of superiority, hatred, idolizing someone, have no goals for life, drugs, cigarettes...et cetera and all others that can draw you away from the real truth. The lagha.

I know, I have been enjoying that blue pill like all of you do, ignorance is bliss of course and it's difficult to throw it up and swallow the red pill and start fighting on the real track.

But I do hope this post can light up a few candles that have read it. You can start with YouTube and search for the truth like I do even tough I am still unable to break free yet...


The quest for happiness is not easy as I think of it to be...

Assalamu’alaikum and greetings to my dear readers. I have been in UiTM Samarahan for a week now and this time it is my fourth semester in the university.

Permandangan Kolej Seri Mulu dari blok 6 wing A


Argh, ngaco na cermin tok!


My roomate and coursemate, Ray@Dzulfadhli tengah tidur...


Katil tuan empunya blog, cadar kaler pink sejak semester 1...

“Hard work equals happy results.”

I wonder why I chose this blog layout in the first place? Come on! Look at it...it's:

LIFELESS...so white and there's a bit of blackish gray. So dull and bland.

Boring na nangga blog tok, itam puteh jak. Kedak taik cicak.

I need something with colors! My real self is a cheery and lively young man, so I need to get a new beautiful and lively looking layout. Probably with elements of nature, flowers, vines, greenery, colourful floras...

And so...this is my first post of 2010! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeha!!! XD

P.S: I'm going back to UiTM this Sunday. Yeay!

The answer is no. Even though I have regained my rationality after recovering from my "emotional-sickness", perhaps I will keep it.

"For what reason? It's not beneficial, sekda faedah!" some might say like that. Well, it is my blog and I can say anything that I want. But the real reason is, I do not want keep my feelings and pain inside me. I must let it out. Someone that cares to read must know. For me, if I keep something hidden inside for too long, that thing can silently kill me.

But...I know that Allah hears and knows everything. I know, I am not close to Him...that is why I cannot achieve peace. I am a sinful servant.

I need to repent...bertaubat!

Dan, saya ada satu permintaan. Kepada saudara dan saudari yang saya hormati, yang membaca post ini, saya cuma meminta satu komen. Entahlah, mungkin saya perlukan sokongan, walaupun saya tidak bersemuka dengan kalian semua.