The Net of Thoughts

I cannot sleep tonight. I just can't sleep. Even though it has been settled, my heart doesn't feel right at this very moment. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

10th of May, I have made another major mistake in my life. And yesterday, my fears were confirmed. I already foreseen of what may happen in the future and alas, it is true. To be honest, sometimes I am blind, I cannot see the things underneath the situation. Something that I expected to be true, is true.

I made someone feel uneasy of me. I have crossed the line, the Terms and Conditions to be more accurate. And I have done it again. I severed the ties of friendship with someone. My stupid actions and my stupid willingness to listen to false advices has lead to this.

To explain about this, let me uncover a bit about me, that I have kept secret for years by now. I do this so you could understand me and not to draw wrong views about me.

I'm a loner. I have been out of contact of the social world for years. I'm the only child in my family. You could say that I'm a hermit, living amongst people. Being the only child in the family, my communication skills are not that well developed like any other normal individuals out there. But it's not that I'm saying I am not normal, because, I'm blessed by Allah with multitudes of blessings. I am a silent person because I seldom talk to people. It is difficult for me to socialize, unless people come to me and talk to me. Even though I'm silent, I am friendly with most people. The only problem for me it is hard for me to grab people's attention.

Before the end of my last year in secondary school, I could say that I enjoyed being lonely. Having people around me makes me feel annoyed and at most times I feel they breached the peace of my sanctuary. But not all people are annoyances to me. I would welcome those who are friendly to me in my private space, but at that time, I hardly have close friends. Most are acquaintances that I don't know much about them. I hardly contact people, as I prefer myself being occupied with my own activities(mainly gaming) and I never wanted to bother about people. I enjoyed living in my own world. It was much better than the outside world who didn't really want to accept me.

Then, I grew up and realized the fact that I don't want to be alone. After the end of Form 5, I slowly started to realize the importance of socializing and having friends around me. So I started socializing. My mouth does not really serve me well(I'm a stutterer, I tend to mess up with my arrangement of words sometimes and I hesitate to speak out), so I asked my father to buy me a handphone.

Being the only child, it's easy for me to get a lavish looking handphone. Some people may say that I'm spoiled(manja), but I'm not really that spoiled because, my father is a strict man. So, it's quite difficult to ask for expensive and unnecessary items as I have to state concrete reasons to my father why I should have the item and I must promise to study hard.

After getting a handphone, which serves me as my alternate mouth until this day, I became active in social networking sites and the one I mainly use during this period is Friendster. I got in touch with a few friends and added a few people. But being an outsider, I never got close to the people that I know. I feel that I only have one close friend, and that person is Nazwan Mohammad. The others, I know that they don't feel that close to me. Now I have about a hundred friends in Friendster and Facebook, and I know most of them don't bother about me. Most of them just added me because they know me, not because that I'm close to them. Being me, I want to become close with everyone, but I know most tak sudi.

Moving on, about a thing called 'closeness', this thing is making me suffer. I am an outsider as I never got into a group of friends. I was a latecomer. I regretted the fact that I never got close to many people as possible when I am in the secondary school. That is why I feel out of place when reunited with my ex-schoolmates. Maybe people saw me as an arrogant person from the outside. But the truth is, I am shy. I admit that I'm arrogant during my time in secondary school and I know why I became like that; I sub-consciously disappointed with my inability and refrained myself from people. And even in my family, I was/am an outsider! If remember back those times, I swear I would cry. I cannot bear the pain. Alhamdulillah, now I'm quite friendly with my cousins in my mother's side. But we rarely meet, so I'm alone to take care of myself.

As a result of being 'awakened' from my state of 'shyness' and 'anti-social', I fell in love. By Allah, if I know what will happen to me now, I swear I wouldn't want to fall in love. If you are in love, you care for that person you love. And as for me...being all that I have mentioned earlier in this post, I never wanted to let that person go, because I hardly have anyone. To be honest also, I'm not close enough with my parents like normal people do. To me, she is the proxy and the pemangkin for my social spirit. If I have her by my side, then I wouldn't worry about getting rejected by the others, because I have her to support me. That is why I don't want her to be gone from my life forever. The logic is simple, I'm lonely and her presence in my life alleviates my suffering. But then, this trait of mine annoys her. I can't even believe that I am actually disturbing her because: My aunts who had took care of me when I was a baby have mentioned to me and my mother this; "It was easy to take care of Ridhwan. He was unlike other babies, he stayed in his bed and didn't cause much trouble. He didn't disturb anything. The house will not be messed if he was around."

Yes, I don't cause trouble that much and I'm not really interested in causing trouble because it is my personality not to be involved in any conflict as being involved in a conflict disturbs my peace of mind. I don't like to disturb people and that's why you can see me sitting in a corner or stay in my position and become passive when with people.

But when in love, I tend to go overboard and annoy the person who I'm in love with. Being the only child, I desire attention and I really want the person to acknowledge me. And here comes the trouble, the person doesn't feel the same about me. And here comes the thing with 'closeness'. I feel close to the person, but the person doesn't feel close to me. And I demand her to be close to me. That is my mistake. My brain says not to demand, but my heart cries for that person. I can't stand it and went overboard. My friendship with her is broken. She had enough of me and avoided her from me.

"I'm nothing to them. I was just an outsider. Maybe I should be left alone to die. My existence in this world is not appreciated by them. Just leave me alone."

And that is what I think when I'm down and goes merajuk. I lie in my bed and put a pillow over my head, sometimes with tears flowing. By Allah, it is really painful as it is only me who can pujuk myself. I know my thoughts are wrong, but I cannot stand it. And that is the purpose of me writing this composition, I cannot keep it inside me forever. And the recent incidence makes me want to write this.

But this state of mine was when I'm in love with Ms. Ai. About the recent situation, I have been careful, but I'm too stupid to follow my sane mind. As Nazwan said, in one of his greatest quotations; "Stupidity exceeds rational thinking."

Yes, my stupidity, naiveness exceeds my matured thinking. I have been fooled by false advices, given by my best friend! Now I know I couldn't trust people too much. Now, I must stand on my own principles. And when I stand on my principles, some people will get hurt. And here I want to apologize early to those who will get hurt in the process. I'm very sorry, but it is my right not to bow down to stupid ideologies.

Due to my stupidity, I disturbed her life.

I just wanted someone to stand by me, and there are only two individuals have shook the foundations of my heart by now. Frankly, I feel empty right now. I feel I have nowhere to go. Siapakah lagi untukku? Aku berasa bagai hilang segalanya...

Having stated that, I know what I'm thinking is wrong. But I just want to state that, to reduce the pain. I really wonder what will people comment about this post. I expect they will say the things that my matured self have said in my brain. But I'm too immature to listen. Ha...stupid me.

Now, I hope Allah will have mercy on me. And I know Allah will have mercy on as He always shows His mercy upon me. I feel it's a great loss that the person doesn't feel the same about me. The signs that I've been seeing were false.



It's a great loss...both me and her have lots in common....or is it?

Hah, I don't know her well enough to say that. I feel close to her but she doesn't feel the same way. People cannot be forced.



...who should I cling on to now?

Hah, I'm pathetic. I can't even stand on my own. Why I left Allah out of the picture? I'm too sinful.




...love them forever.

It hurts. And I have to bear it alone. I want to cry out for help, but is there anyone out there will help? Only Allah. This makes me doesn't want to trust people anymore. But not all people are bad...some will help. But, I will be skeptical with people now...unless I am fooled. I'm easy to fool. I'm too innocent.




Now, should I be optimistic? If I mengharap, I will go overboard and I will be broken later.

I cannot decide, I'm still in turmoil. Love is pain...the pain is amplified with my loneliness.