The Net of Thoughts

To someone that I greatly bothered in the past, thank you for changing my point of view. You have melted my ice, you uncovered my real self. You made me realize, you made me realize, you made me realize. You truly have a big, warm heart. I think that is why I greatly bothered you with my extreme niceness, because I was totally drawn to you. Yes, I know that you're not perfect, you have lots of shortcomings, but that didn't stop me from being drawn to you. I know, deep down, you're very nice. Yes, because I experienced that niceness of you. I even questioned fate why things happen badly between us. I guess it's my own fault, because that feeling...was overflowing like Niagara Falls. I have no power to stop it. I may be obsessed with you, because I can't forget that big deed of you. I wouldn't changed into my self right now if it wasn't for you. I know, I have these inside me before I got to know you. But you excavated it all and became the final step to uncover my real self. Hell, I can get someone that is more beautiful and more sexier than you. But you know, my nafsu was blind and I was seeing with the eyes of my heart. My heart for God's sake! I dramatically changed. Why should I waste lots of money for someone that didn't care for me? My old self would laughed at me. But I didn't care. I changed. The hell with nafsu, the heart rules. Damn the stupid mentality of men. I hate it. And I H.A.T.E. you. And that's an abbreviation of something. Yes, I copied it from somewhere. Yes, I dreamed of a perfect Islamic family with you. I dreamed of a family that is 100% faithful to Allah and that family will contribute to the new Islamic Renaissance in this modern age, which the children will be good servants of Allah, free from the plague that infects every inch of the society this day and damn all hedonism to hell. The children will change the world, they will be great scholars, great leaders that will bring back Islam to glory. And I dreamed of obtaining the Pleasure of Allah with you. Yes, I dreamed all of that, with you at my side. Because I did care for you. I've been to the Haramain, and I was inspired there. Yes, I've been cruel and said that you greatly changed and viewed you as someone that is dark and sinful. But my statements that I placed in your 'little white box', I regretted placing them there, because you still have your faith standing strongly inside you. And I'm glad for that, even though you still indulge in lagha things, like all of us, and like me as well. I know, you've said that I'm prominently religious. That's all total friggin' bullshit, because I'm still like everyone else. I'm a sinner like you also. God has bestowed His knowledge in me. He gave me enlightenment, but I didn't use it, I didn't practice it in my daily life. Like an article I've read during the Jumaat prayera in UiTM Samarahan's mosque, it said, that we have the knowledge, but we didn't practice it. We only practice like roughly 10% of it. We are so sinful. Alhamdulillah we are not damned, God still gives the chance to repent to him. But every time when I said astaghfirullah when I finished praying, I feel I'm lying to God, because I'm still strayed away and follow the stupidities that we all follow. I don't really follow the Sunnah, just a bit of it. I know, if Rasulullah shallallahu 'alaihi wasallam is still alive today, he would cry seeing my despicable state, and our despicable state. I think he would beat me for my stupidity. Regarding you, I do not know. But I'm thankful that you're still holding to our faith and not to totally abandon it like many poor souls out there. And I'm thankful that I'm still holding to our faith as well, despite my shortcomings. I just hope that Allah will bestow His hidayah to us, so that we will return back to the straight path, and to become 'part time Muslims'. I don't know. Only time could tell. And by telling all of that, I did want to bring you back to the straight path. I had planned that I would jettison all of my stupidity if you will be at my side. I don't know, this obsession have lots of connections to my faith, right after I came back from Makkah last year. I don't know. I'm confused. That's why maybe I gave you that book. I viewed that book is much more valuable than that gold ring I gave you. If I am given the chance, I may wanted to buy lots of books that are beneficial to all of us. And I had loved you, to that very extent. That's why maybe I H.A.T.E. you. And my statement...was totally wrong. If Allah wills it, it doesn't have to take another very pious woman to be with me. Everyone have the same potential, even you. You could become like our beloved Ummul Mu'mineen, Sayyidatina 'Aisyah bt. Sayyidina Abu Bakr even if you like what you are now at present. You have her name and it's not impossible for you to become like her. Nothing is impossible for Allah. You could change dramatically with His guidance, even if what are inside you right now says otherwise. You've said that you've been keeping all of it when you're still in secondary school, but that doesn't make those are really you. Because fitrah is something pure and noble. Deep down, you're something else, not the thing that resided inside you that you've mentioned. And I want to add something; You may change the world with someone else, or maybe with me, as myself had strongly wished before. Remember your statement long-long time ago? You said that you will change the world. It's possible! And now, I do not know about the future. I have wished that I will have a wife with the qualities I wanted. And I admit that I strongly wished that the person will be you, like I had wished before, because you're the person that I had wanted to be with forever. But, only Allah knows what will happen in the future. If you're destined for me, I will be thankful, if not, I will be thankful, because Allah have someone better for me. And if the latter happens, I wish that my extreme feelings for you will be transferred to that person, because she deserved it more than you. Alas, I end this piece by asking guidance and mercy from Allah.