The Net of Thoughts

No, I'm not committing suicide. I just cannot sleep. Sapa suruh jadi burung antu tido siang berjaga malam? Hahaha..

I'm feeling stupid lately, like everything that I done is wrong. I desire to be perfect/correct/not wrong, but I feel that everything is wrong.

Maybe I ask too much from the others. Maybe I have received too much and don't know how to appreciate it. Maybe it is time to give back?

I don't know. I want to. The good side of me always wanted to. But...

*Always with the buts isn't it? Open your eyes and learn.*

I'm suffering alone...even though I know the fact that Allah is always with me. My iman is weak, rapuh, easily broken.

It's easy to tell people to be strong. Madah diakhir kesusahan ada kebahagiaan lah...bla, bla, bla. Erti hidup pada memberi lah...bla, bla, bla...diakhir ujian ada penyelesaian lah...

*sigh* dirik empun sik dapat aplikasikan apa yang dirik empun madah. Nak bodo namanya...

I am really demoralized right now. If I can give an analogy...I am like an unstable isotope about to break and give out radiation to harm people, or I am like an unstable nuclear bomb about to explode right now, or I am like a soldier about to flee from a battle right now.

Sorry about the isotope/nuclear bomb thing. It's my recent Fallout addiction/influence. About that soldier thingy, this battle is quite hard to fight. I don't really know what to do right now.

But then, there's duality. Above you read the negative, then there will be always positive. I am like a wave...unstable. Sometimes I am very negative, desperate(thinking VERY negatively, become annoying and very emotional). Then comes the positive, regret my negativity, start to think positively, become somewhat "wise" and forget about the things that troubling me. Then I start to remember my troubles, go down into the hole again.

I hate this! Sometimes I feel that I want to die, but I can't. I can't die just yet...there are things that I need to do in this life.

I can't keep this bottled...that's why I typed it all here.

I hate it...sometimes it made me cry. Sometimes I feel that I want to restart things again. I want to go back to my childhood and fix things. I want to go back to my adolescent years and fix things.

I feel that...I realize things too late.

But then, it is not always bad. *sigh* My "dual thoughts" make me crazy!

I tried to run away by isolating myself. But escapism is not the way. Running away makes things worse. But when I face it, I can't. I am afraid. Yes...I'm afraid...too afraid of many things. Call me paranoid...I am.

*sigh* I hate being lonely. And I'm afraid to ask for help. I'm afraid to face people. At times, I just fake my emotions. Because showing emotions can be fatal. I might get beheaded(sorry for the exaggeration, it's not true actually).

*sigh* All I can do sigh. *sigh* I don't know why I'm doing this. There's no point at all...

I don't want to exaggerate, but if I have lost my self-control right now I might do something like this:

"Arggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!"

Literally, screaming like crazy. Haha, I am amused because I think this is a very intellectual way of "meluahkan perasaan". With proper grammar(I don't think so) and punctuation(I don't think so too). Hahahaha. Maybe I have gone mad, but my rationality still works.

And...I'm still afraid to tell something. Maybe I should keep it down for now. Hahaha.

Without Fallout 3, there's no drug to make me forget about my problems. Hahaha, looks like I totally ignored my previous post about the "heart". I have to admit, my heart is tainted like crazy. What kind of "Hajee" am I? Well, I'm still human. I'm not a saint, thank you!

Hmm...I getting mad. Alhamdulillah my rationality is still here to keep me sane. But my heart still bleeds. I am emotional and rational at the same time. And this makes me crazy....hahahahahaha.

What's the point of this stupid post? Hmm, maybe to let everything out? Maybe(*just say yes you idiot!*)....

It's impossible for me to utter this, with my mouth. It's just impossible...

I need to return to Allah...

T.T

Happiness doesn't come cheap, it's expensive and painful. It goes the same for love too.

*sigh*


Yours truly,

-Hajee Emo-

"I can't sleep at night during holidays."


P.S: Result keluar Khamis tok. Semoga result untuk sem tok bagus...amin ya Rabba-l-'Alameen.